O Lado B do A

Eleven days missing your voice. Feels like an unfinished song, a melody left unheard. Is it true, they say, that no answer is an answer? Because your absence feels like a response I wasn’t ready for. 00:00 am - The World is awake. Already, my thoughts have found you, And the year hasn’t even had a chance to start. Welcome, 2025

"I do love this song," she said. "Me too," I say. "I don’t believe in God, but I believe you’re my saviour." That could be our song, I think.

As the days of leaving draw nearer, my heart races uncontrollably. My desire to see you is so strong that I favourited the pictures I took of you. Yes, they are from that day when I couldn't take my eyes off you. And, not knowing how to fill the emptiness left by your absence, I thought this might help ease the pain. When the night fell and everything went silent, I found myself rereading our conversations. I could hear your voice. I fell asleep with the phone in my hand and dreamed of you. Still in silence, you came toward me, and I welcomed you with open arms. I didn't want to wake up. I tried to repeat it the next night and the night after. But this time, it was like the street outside: only silence.

Once, you said that we were connected forever. Well, I immortalized your words in my hometown. - If  I'm afraid? It’s only of hearing you say you don’t think about me anymore.

No, not my anxiety this time, but the way I've been thinking of you. It was Christmas yesterday, and here, we celebrate twice. Meaning: Since the morning of the 24th, I've been wondering what you're doing. If you cooked, if you picked your best dress—the one he loves—if you're having whiskey or wine. Both? Fair enough. Wondering if you're actually enjoying the quietness on your phone. And in your mind. Or if it's just—silence—numbness. Am I allowed to write this? Then, in the afternoon, I ask myself if you're happily picking up his shirt and if you're both matching clothes for tonight. "Doesn't work like that," I can hear your voice. And, in a lapse of time, reality knocks me out. Voices in my head now say that you've found your way back home, and I can hear your trembling voice saying, "I was not made to be split in half. He means home." "Well," I say. I never knew what it feels like to be together. We both cried. A...

Hey, Today is the first day of Summer here in Brazil, and guess what?  It's raining!!  They hate it. I love it! Reminds me of home which brings me back to you. The rain, the dark, the cold. Our bodies intertwined trying to find a corner where we can hide and just be us. Oh! How much I miss you. I'm proving you wrong as all this distance just makes me want you more. Is pointless having my mouth full and my heart empty if you are not here.  Can't wait to see you. Can't wait to stay together.  Can't wait to uncover the truth and scream out that you are finally mine. Can't wait to receive a text from you saying that you are coming home and home now means peace. Home now smells you. some now have the same directions on our maps. I know. Let me dream. When I'm dreaming you are part of it too. And there I can never lose you, because when it comes to reaching your heart, I'm already at a disadvantage. So, let me picture us while I still worship this love.  ...

Spent time with a friend yesterday, the kind who knows me inside out and where no masks are needed. She's been listening to my noise for 20 years now. Brave soul, isn't she? Told her about us . She loved you. That's how positive I'm feeling about it, us and the future we can build together. She loved the fact that I'm in love again after so many years and ready to make it happen, ready to call you "babe" and make myself home to you. I didn't bring the past because it doesn't matter anymore, does it? ok, I did mention the mistake of convincing myself you lied to me. She called me stupid and I agreed. And, besides my anxiety, here is where I am after opening up and hearing my own voice speak about us: I'm clearing the dust and I believe our trust can find its footing. I see the start of something real, like your smile after my coffee-flavoured kiss, my first stroke as I learn to swim, our laughter filling the space between us.  You resting on my ...

"You called it a choice between crazy and comfort.   And to an extent you might be right.   On Friday at Lisbon I had you both chasing me and both of you were upset in a different way and I felt it was all too much and it was only me that I could blame.   I so wanted to blame someone else.   Dodo said just said to take a deep breath because I looked like I was under water and allowed myself to breathe.   You don't have to bear it all and I shut the door and didn't talk to anyone shortly after.   For a moment I thought, I should be alone, I'm better without anyone.   You can not love or want two people, I lived my life thinking that.   You know I don't believe in God, maybe he will show up one day.   Maybe we just need to be too sure of something and the universe will prove you wrong. Yes, the universe.   I was fine until you walked into my life. You tell me not to measure love with time but intensity and I truly believe that's how you me...

I miss you in the middle of my day. Weekday in. Weekend out. I miss you when listening to Taylor. I miss every piece of you covered with my complaints. I panic about thinking I can't stay away from you for more than five minutes. I miss when playing video games. I do want to feel your presence by my side while  reading and watching your charm when bringing the wine glass towards your mouth  without taking an eye off the book. I'm watching the whole scene.  Your lips now taste like wine. I laugh. You ask me "What's funny?", and I say "You", and before your words break me, I kiss you. I'm drunk. On you. A kiss, a taste, and nothing else matters.

  I Spent the day thinking about you. Going through our old messages to trick my brain, and, somehow, I found myself questioning: when the hell did this start? I remember sitting in the office, trying to figure out why the hell they asked us to be there so early. We could’ve gotten there at 10 a.m. "What are we going to do?" I asked out loud. "You can entertain me," she said. It was enough to turn my head toward you. A soft smirk played on my lips as I found myself — surprisingly — agreeing. Shall we fast-forward two months later, and here we are? Still entertaining each other. Me, the tricky guy. Her, the secretly taken girl of my dreams. II I promised myself that I wouldn’t play games again. Not at work, not outside of work, no games at all! But 24 hours later, there I was, analyzing every breath you take. Is she gay? Was she hitting on me? Or is she just being nice? Or, STOP! No scenarios to be created. Move on and get over it! Until she comes back offering me a ...