She said goodbye

"You called it a choice between crazy and comfort. 

And to an extent you might be right. 

On Friday at Lisbon I had you both chasing me and both of you were upset in a different way and I felt it was all too much and it was only me that I could blame. 

I so wanted to blame someone else. 

Dodo said just said to take a deep breath because I looked like I was under water and allowed myself to breathe. 

You don't have to bear it all and I shut the door and didn't talk to anyone shortly after. 

For a moment I thought, I should be alone, I'm better without anyone. 

You can not love or want two people, I lived my life thinking that. 

You know I don't believe in God, maybe he will show up one day. 

Maybe we just need to be too sure of something and the universe will prove you wrong. Yes, the universe. 

I was fine until you walked into my life. You tell me not to measure love with time but intensity and I truly believe that's how you measure it. Heart on your sleeve and all. 

He asked for time to think, to remember to change what was lost. 

Crazy or comfort you ask and if it would be that simple, this would be so easy. 

One foot in, the other out of the door. 

I would split myself in two. 

I did imagine a separate new life that would be anything but crazy and then I did remember the life I planned for a long time. 

Never in this lifetime I thought I would want anything else but the good old plan. 

When my heart couldn't answer, I wanted to make the decision based on logic. Not the brightest of plans, but a plan. I can deal with a plan better than emotions. A plan is a task after all. 

Compatibility, compromises, changes. All the C's. 

What can I handle, who's heart am I willing to break? 

He did tell me the same thing funny enough. There will be a broken heart at the end. 

You can't make this decision based on logic, but I can't have it all. 

I'm terrified to make a huge mistake, I'm terrified to take a leap and I'm also terrified to let it go. 

In my misery I know how lucky I am to have this much love, but love hurts. 

Oh, and how I feel that now. You said you know I'm not playing anymore and for a moment my heart soared. 

You said so many beautiful things and just proved that you have a beautiful soul and a beautiful heart, that you were willing to share. 

You say so many times that you are showing your best side and for the most of it I know what you mean. 

I seen you possessive, jealous, angry. 

There are many things I know you refer to when you are talking about your bad side, I also know these could change in a stable situation. Probably these are the things Kennya referred to when she said you had to grow, but I already seen it, bit by bit you understanding and accepting things. 

People are hard work, relationships are even harder. Never in a million years I would have believed this when I was younger how much actual will and grit it takes to make something work. 

You were right that we could have something great, not sure about lasting. 

I told you ending something like this would not be easy and I think I didn't even understand how hard this would be on so many levels or if I could even do it.

You have lit something in me that I never knew existed and I can only thank you for sharing your light with me. It is indeed a privilege to have had that even if it was for a short while."