If there’s one thing I regret in all of this, it’s that Saturday morning when I asked you not to come.
I’ve cursed every place we went to together, and look at me now—alone and completely lost in my thoughts.
I should have fought for us.
I should have begged you to stay. I should have encouraged you more, let go of my jealousy, my possessiveness, my anger.
I should have changed myself to take care of you.
But you loved me as I was, and now I’m so lost without you.
I should have made myself your safe place from the very beginning.
I should have erased all the lies I told myself, the ones that made me believe I was right when I wasn’t.
Look at me now.
Full of regret.
I’ve cursed every place we went to together, and look at me now—alone and completely lost in my thoughts.
I should have fought for us.
I should have begged you to stay. I should have encouraged you more, let go of my jealousy, my possessiveness, my anger.
I should have changed myself to take care of you.
But you loved me as I was, and now I’m so lost without you.
I should have made myself your safe place from the very beginning.
I should have erased all the lies I told myself, the ones that made me believe I was right when I wasn’t.
Look at me now.
Full of regret.
Please, forgive me for not being strong enough.
I should have treated it as just a passing thing, like you said that day, and left it at that. But I couldn’t. I knew it was more. I felt my whole body tremble every time I heard your voice. I knew we were more than just attraction. I felt the fear crawling up my spine, but at the same time, it made me smile. And at that moment, I knew—it was you.
Now all I want is to put on my shortest clothes and ride my bike in this cold, grey, foggy weather until I find the place where your life and mine will meet again.
I’m tired.
And the pills only help for a little while.
Please, forgive me for not making you mine.